Stop, Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop - Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin…) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AXE and two 38’s!”

The Bible According to Kids

• The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
• Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
• He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
• A cheerful heart is good medicine… Prov 17:22a (NIV)

You Might Be in Country Church If…

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is “Y’all come on in!”
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering” - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because “I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of”.
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of “2 calves”.
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it’s pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody’s smiling.

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians … and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60’s.
You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.”

The Lost Chapter in Genesis

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS….
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,
“What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,
“This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history…

The Little Boys Prayer

There were these two boys who lived with their Grandma. They were about to go to bed but before they slept they prayed. The older son started to pray. He prayed about the day he had and about everything he had done.

The younger son then started to pray, he prayed much louder than his elder brother, he prayed for bikes and toys, and when he finished the older brother asked him “Why are you praying so loud? God is not deaf” and the younger son responded and said ” Yea but Grandma is”!

History of Medicine

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 BC - “Here, eat this root.”
1000 BC - “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 AD - “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 AD - “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 AD - “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 AD - “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Old Leaf

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It’s Adam’s Suit!”